Bondage of Self

My heart is surely sore and raw. I feel a bit more emotionally accessible as well. Funny enpugh the idea that might be both the goal and the problem… 

I felt a deep conviction today about this. I understand there are multiple causes and factors, but the results are the same. My whole experience of life is so controlled by this unstable and needy soul. I’m unable to be separate from it. And the result is really the bondage of self. 

I’ve always equated the bondage of self to some construct of choice. At some point it may be, but the choice is now so calcified and remote that all that is is the resultant experience. 

I feel the conviction of it. Not in the same sense of a willful disregard for YHVH, but the conviction of how separate I am from what Yah is like, and what YHVH desires. There is no fear or self hatred or anxiety etc…. in YHVH. There IS LOVE, JOY, PEACE etc… 

And the conviction goes even deeper. Not only do I not experience this (or if I do it is an exception or intervention), it doesn’t flow through me in enough authenticity and constancy to do much for others.

My current situation is that my primary relationships are able to believe I don’t love them. Even my own children have struggle with this and at times have to remind themselves about my love. Ive been so inconsistent and internally unstable there has not been the progression and expression of love.

That is convicting. I asked Yeshua to come and touch them directly because then it would “work”.

But then I felt an explanation to me that even when Jesus was physically here on earth, as He interacted directly with people some of them rejected Him. Especially those who were not broken enough to actually feel the need. 

Maybe the conviction really is that there needs to be both while the whole world is broken. I feel so hurt and laid low because of how pain dominates my thoughts and feelings. And it is real. It isn’t like it is not a real thing. Yet the desire of Yeshua is to save me, deliver me, and bring me into the experience HE has without deviation. That is true at the same time. 

I want to be relieved from the bondage of self, it dominates my experience. My understanding and hope is that to be relieved of it would inherently equal the experience of the Kingdom. Im beginning to think that isn’t exactly true.

Perhaps it is more like displacement… As the Kingdom of YHVH comes in, it forces things up, choices and repentance is made, then those things are removed creating more room. This would mean the initial work creates pressure. It would have to. Assuming no one is empty, then for something to displace anything else, the experience would be pressure until the relief of letting go equalized the volume and the space.

If this has any truth, this means there is an initial work, creating pressure, discomfort, agitation. Then the targeted issues migrate from where they are to the “surface”. I tend to think of this more like a brewing vessel or pressurized container. We walk around as this tank. As pressure builds up inside, we need to have the tank “pierced” in some way. As the pressure builds and forces the targeted thing around, everything will flow out the first available opening. As soon as that opening is expanded, the pressure forces the target out until pressure equalizes, and then no more flow!

Maybe this is sanctification in a nutshell. Maybe this is how trauma leaves, how willful and unknown sin gets attacked and removed. The Spirit of the Kingdom is also the Spirit of the Crucifixion and the Spirit of the Resurrection. As it manifests inside us, it agitates and forces these things until the pressure just finds its way out.

Please God, let it be easy to open and let go!