Ive been so fortunate to have a desire and hunger to read scripture, which is so out of left field for me. It has always been a work rather than a joy. Somewhere in end of 2013 after several cycles of fasting with groups and asking for breakthrough, Yahweh has somehow cracked open a part of me and allowed true delight to come forward. It would take weeks to write how this came about but I can tell you the genesis of it was almost 7 years ago with a trip to IHOPKC, before we ended up moving there.
They were doing a worship with the word set and they said a very common verse “Your law is my delight”. Immediately I thought to myself “Uggghhh” and then told God “I dont like your Law, I dont know your Law. I dont even desire to. Something must be really wrong with me as David loved it, the whole of Israel (and therefore my faith) is founded on it, and yet I have apparent disdain for it. In fact, Im pretty sure it is done away with. What am I missing Lord?”.
Then I simply forgot about it.
Through a series of years and events, things seemed to collect into a monumental (for me) desire to divorce from myself all things I hadnt actually studied and come to belief myself. Im all for teaching, but not as the sole means to faith. It is an assistance that helps point the way, but not the way itself. I had come to realize the vast majority of christianity was simply tradition. That was easy. And the result was simply to jettison most of it. Traditions wont save you and they dont have weight at the end of the age standing before your master. At times they can be wonderful, but again only in so far as they help point you to the truth. When they become and end unto themselves, you have what a dear man called “Paper Religion”.
But what is even worse (for me) is the realization that the majority of what I BELIEVE about my faith is traditions handed down by men. And I couldnt separate things I KNEW (had intimacy with and had come from Yah) and things I simply accepted. As I dug through my life it became obscene the amount of things I simply regurgitate that I had been taught. Some were true, but I didnt know WHY, and so in reality I had no real substance. Math is still valid if you memorize the multiplication tables, but there is a profound difference in knowing the framework if you work outside the tables or cant find them.
Worse yet, I was working FROM these beliefs, and they were scattered all over my orthopraxy (big word thank you Jason B). Not only what I did internally, but what I talked about, what I prayed about, what I argued and debated with people about, what I counseled people about…
Thank Yah for Grace….
So I threw it all out. Even the biggies. Yes, those biggies…from trinitarianism to messiahship, and tons of little things. Im confident that the person who saved me would restore to me the truth because I had prayed in confidence for the Spirit of Truth just a few months earlier. Im not talking about despising things, simply saying “I dont know what I think i do, and I dont know what I dont know. God bring me into the truth”.
What happened is (to me) a miracle. It hs galvanized what I believe and given me confidence in prayer like never before. It has also scared the wits out of my wife, and bothered some friends. But to me it is pure relief.
A large part of this is the restoration of the Torah, and the reality that it is very hard, if not impossible to grasp to scriptures without laying aside my modernist view and mindset. I read things I think I already know what they mean, but most of the words used can miss a lot. There is a bias inherent in modern evangelicals translating scripture that is shocking. Then add the bias interpreting it and then presenting it. While I do not believe you need to know Greek (Aramaic potentially really) or Hebrew to know Yahweh, (I actually dont think you know how to read or even have scripture technically), for someone walking a long time, milk and basic understanding of scripture feels like never growing old with my wife. There are nuances and subtleties that mature people have that others dont.
Another fierce facet of my personal reformation is the reality that God is a title for lots of things and lots of people. So is Lord. So is husband. In fact Baal can mean all those things. But Yahweh (and whatever variant you personally like) is the NAME, and it was never given to anyone else. It is special, it is intimate, and it was intentional. I want to know YAHWEH, not GOD. And Yahweh wants me to enter into Yahwehs name and all that is in it.
So my mission from 2014 until I find another one, is to go back into the root. Im not going to continue trying to work from the tip of the branch back through to what Ive been grafted in and then work my way back to the root. Im going to ask for revelation about what I have been grafted into, and work from there forward. My prayer is:
What I believe that is false, remove it
What I believe that is true, strengthen it and grow it
What I don’t believe yet, reveal to me and help my unbelief.
Come along if you want. Or not. I dont care really who reads this if anyone. Its just a tool to help me push into growth. Be forewarned, I dont like sacred cows, and I dont like apostrophes